Wednesday, 14 October 2009

why do I even bother dating?

Ok, the events described below actually happened a few weeks ago, but I was prompted by Melon to share them because of the sheer ridiculous-ness of it all (which is apparently highly entertaining for others). Plus I came across a similar post by one of my favourite bloggers - London Liberty Girl, which inspired me to recount my own dating horror story.

I met D. at a posh bar in Mayfair one Friday night, when I unwittingly ventured out for a quiet night with a girlfriend, which turned into bar hopping with a group of very made up, very posh girls.

He seemed nice enough, and had a sexy French accent which sold me. We made plans later that week to go for dinner and drinks.

We met at the Berkley Hotel (which is actually pronounced the BARK-ley) and is apparently one of the poshest places in London (accordingly to said friend who I had gone out with that Friday night and is an expert in all things posh). Not really my scene, but I was intimidated enough to wear heels, straighten my hair and attempt to wear make up.

Like a snowball rolling down a hill and gathering momentum, my date went downhill right from the beginning.

Gentlemen reading this, take note...

1. Do NOT make a big fuss about my ordering a glass of champagne (which cost 35 pounds...oops) and make a fuss about how scared you are to get the bill. You picked the damn place, deal with the consequences of my not ordering water and a side salad

2. Do NOT slouch on the banquet, pushing me to the edge so that I have to politely ask you repeatedly to move over because 'I'm about to fall off the bench'

3. I don't care that your parents have a place in Lake Como (or Como as you call it), if I don't sound impressed, don't continue trying it impress me

4. Here's a hint, if I asked you to stop kissing my shoulder, that actually means stop kissing my shoulder and don't move onto my arm or any other part of my body. If I'm trying to move away from you, it's because I don't want to be next you

5. Do NOT start the date by telling me all about your gym workout. I don't care what you bench pressed, nor does it interest me at all that you work out 6 days a week.

6. Do NOT say that you think gays are unnatural and disgusting, especially AFTER I've told you that my best friend is gay

7. And when I start to get angry over your ignorant remarks, don't say 'Oh, I'm glad you're getting excited...'

8. When I say that I don't want children, do not patronizingly say 'of course you do' and then try to kiss my arm (see point #4)

9. Here's a hint, if you can't even be bothered to buy a couch in your living room, but rather are proud of the fact that you have not one, but three bean bags instead, that's just pathetic, not cool

10. When you pay the bill and I graciously thank you for dinner, do not tap your cheek for a kiss, and if I'm stupid enough to actually give you a kiss on the cheek, please don't turn and try to make out with me.

11. If I literally have to push you off of me, that means I'm not interested

12. It also means that I'm not coming over, no matter what you think or how much you hint at it.

Oh, D... I was going to erase your number from my phone, but just like my heroine, Rebecca Bloomwood, did in a scene from 'Confessions of a Shopaholic', I will change your ringtone to 'Do not pick up this call, repeat, do not pick up the phone....'

Why do I keep on this dating scene? As George puts it... you gotta have faith.

Onwards and upwards!


  1. Holy crap, that is awesome. It entertains me to no end that people like that actually exist in the real world, outside of movies and sitcoms.


    I don't know what to tell you, didn't Gwyneth Paltrow whine about how hard it was to meet a decent guy in London? I vaguely remember an uproar about that.

  2. Ewww! I can't even imagine...Shudder...

  3. Ahaha, I started laughing on point 1 and couldn't stop it while scrolling your post down :o) It actually makes sense!

    Ah and all the following points are hilarious. I needed a ton of this humour and now that I got it I even wrote some notes down. I confess I made similar mistakes in the past. Yet I've never been that sticky as your Bean Bags Gaffeur Knight!

  4. This made my day Irene. Thank you for sharing! Ugh...glad you got rid of him though not soon enough! lol

  5. I love this. You make me laugh... xo